Thursday, December 30, 2010

B.A.M.F. Top 10 Albums Of 2010, Part 1

Like every great rock blog, we have taken it upon ourselves to unleash our own Best Of 2010 list for your perusal.  Let me tell you, though, it wasn't easy.  2010 was an absolute crappy year for music as more than a few normally dependable bands that we had come to swear by turned in sub-par albums (we won't name any names, as most of them know who they are).  As if that weren't bad enough, most new bands hitting the scene were total douchebag poseurs with nary two original thoughts to rub together.  Of course, the very fact that the once mighty music industry has become such a sad shell of its former self just makes the whole thing that much sadder.  The music industry has joined the typewriter industry in the "Why the fuck even bother?" department and, hey, you heard it here first.

Having said that, here are ten albums that were pretty goddamn cool!

The Birthday Massacre - Pins And Needles (featured track: "Always")

This Canadian pop-goth outfit broke out of their shell and embraced their melodic side on 2007's Walking With Strangers, but, on their latest effort, they return to the harder-edged sonic attack that made their first couple records so promising.  Of course, they are savvy enough to keep the hummable melodies intact, creating an album that skillfully straddles the line between deep goth-cred and something the mainstream could sink its teeth into, if it were so inclined.  This is the band's best yet.

Best Coast -Crazy For You (featured track: "Boyfriend")

Nothing new going on here -at all - but who needs new when something this old-school is done so right and sounds so good?  Sugar-pop melodies drenched in vintage reverb and soaring female vocals.  Our prediction is that the rest of the world catches up to this so-far-behind-they-they're-ahead-of-their-time band in 2011.

Sweet Apple - Love And Desperation (featured track: "I've Got A Feeling")

Having never been a big fan of Dinosaur Jr., we never expected to like this record as much as we did.  J Mascis and friends have kicked out the kind of rock album that makes you want to trade in the Prius for a primer-gray 1978 Camaro with a bitchin' eight-track tape deck.  If you haven't given this one the time of day yet, do so.  NOW!

Jimmy Eat World - Invented (featured track: "Evidence")

Arizona's favorite sons are three albums past the one that put them on the map and, though not as many folks are listening these days, the band have grown better and better with each new effort, creating songs that slyly sneak up on you from behind, compliment you on your retro checkboard Vans, and then blow you against the wall with the force of a thousand Marshall stacks set on stun.

Nada Surf - If I Had A Hi-Fi (featured track: "You Were So Warm")

Considering how great their last two records have been, it's no surprise that the band's taste in musical influences runs just as cool.  This collection of covers sees the band covering a lot of ground; from vintage Dwight Twilley to eternally ethereal Kate Bush and beyond.  What makes this record such a must-have is the band's ability to weave so many disparate song styles into a cohesive album that doesn't sound like a band running through bunch of other people's songs.  Nada Surf achieve the next-to-impossible by making each and every song their own.  Heck, Dwight Twilley himself was so impressed with their version of his song "You Were So Warm" that he posted a link to the song on his Facebook page.

TO BE CONTINUED

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

No Doubt Destroys The Beatles Right In Front Of Paul McCartney


Okay, I admit thinking that Gwen Stefani was cool and that, even after she made that dumb-ass "Hoobastank Girl", er, sorry, "Hollaback Girl" single, I still would have shagged her...and lord knows she could use it being married to a gay dude and all...but having seen Stefani and No Doubt commit absolute sacrilege on The Beatles at the recent Kennedy Center Honors, this chick is dead to me.

First off, whose idea was it to wear macthing Pee Wee Herman suits?  Did they think they were honoring Paul Reubens?  Secondly, why did Gwen have her pants customized to look like someone let all of the air out of her ass.

I love the shot of McCartney bopping along politely while the band massacres his music.

I could go on, but, wow, it just kinda feels like piling on at this point. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

League Of Suck: Lenny Kravitz "American Woman"



The first time I heard Lenny Kravitz's remake of The Guess Who's "American Woman", I honestly thought someone was putting me on.  It's as if the artist formerly known as Romeo Blue decided that he could either go take a massive dump in the bathroom of his $14 million NYC apartment, or he could crap all over a great 70's classic that was fine enough as it was.  Granted, I was never a huge Guess Who fan, them being Canadian and all (just kiddingz), but I sure as hell preferred the original recording to Kravitz's lifeless revamp.  Seriously, Kraftwerk could not have made a more white-sounding, groove-deficient ghost of a song if you held a gun to their heads.

As if that weren't bad enough, Kravitz recorded the song for the "Austin Powers: The Spy That Shagged Me" movie soundtrack...yeah, let's re-record a song from the 70's for a movie about a guy from the 60's, and make it sound like it was recorded by a guy in his 80's.  Ugh.

Here's the part that really bugs me, though.  The song sucks, anyone you ask will say it sucks, yet this song continues to get radio play and is used all the time on TV.  Seriously, somebody out there with a lot of pull either likes this song or Lenny has some very incriminating photos of said person in a compromising position with a transsexual midget, a llama, and a truckload of Peruvian marching powder.

Whatever, I can't like every song, right?  And don't get me started about that fucking Train song either.  Holy shit.  I'm fine with such songs existing, as I don't listen to the radio anyway, but when I hear the same fucking shit-stain of a song three fucking times in a six hour period, Houston, we have a fucking problem.  That's right, I heard it piped over the PA while I was buying my movie ticket, then I heard it at fucking Chili's where my buddy and I grabbed some margaritas afterward, and then I heard it in the grocery store when I stopped in to pick up some soda on my way home.

Christ on a fucking cracker, if you really need to hit me with so much fucking Lenny Kravitz, at least pick out one of his good songs.  I mean, I've never been a huge Lenny fan anyway, but he's got better songs, for sure.  
Play one of them, please, I'm begging you.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A-fucking-men



Bill Burr is one of the Top 20 funniest motherfuckers to stand in front of a brick wall (I know, I know, there's not a brick wall in this shot...don't make me have to explain it).

Career In A Nutshell: Eels

From time to time, we like to present an overview of an artist's entire career up to that point.  As we're more about the artistry than anything, we prefer to focus solely on the studio albums.  This installment focuses on the career of Mark Oliver Everett, better known as the man behind Eels.


E - A Man Called E

I remember getting the promo copy of this record in the mail.  At the time, I had a little fanzine that nobody read and must have been on the bottom rung of the promo list because the only promo copies I seemed to get from labels were albums by new artists they'd already given up on.  I say that because most of the artists whose albums I received would never be heard from again.

Admittedly, I was smart enough to see the pattern by then and had begun to dread opening the envelopes that appeared in the mail.  As something of a musician myself, I couldn't help feel that an artist's dreams and hopes were pinned to that album and, regardless of how good or bad the album was, a record company that had once thought highly enough of them to sign them and invest hundreds of thousands of dollars in the making of that record had cut them off at the knees before the starting gun had even sounded.

Thus, it was with these thoughts in mind that I took my first gander at A Man Called E.  Ugh, I remember thinking, a name like "E" is commercial suicide.  That was also something I saw that a lot of the albums I received had in common - the artists all seemed to have chosen names that you knew just handicapped their chances of reaching the big time..."E", "Y Kant Tori Read", and so on.

While song titles like "Are You And Me Gonna Happen" and "Looking Out The Window With A Blue Hat On" gave me hope that the album wouldn't sound like the proverbial "assembly-line piece-of-shit", the album is ultimately marred by late 80's production techniques (i.e., reverb-drenched vocals, drum machine programming with little to no imagination).

I spun it a few times, found little to hang my hat on and promptly lost the album forever.  Of course, I would revisit it, of course, and find that there are many signs of the man who would become "Eels" and that if you can get past the production and the fact that E's artistic aesthetic is a tad watered down by the rather by-the-numbers performances, it's not a bad album at all.  Also, at the end of the day, "Hello Cruel World" is a great way for any new artist to open an album, I don't care what you say.

E - Broken Toy Shop

I remember seeing this in the stores when it came out and thinking "Hmm, he got to make a second album...didn't see that one coming."  Apparently, "Hello Cruel World" had gotten enough radio play to make the suits finance a second stab at the windmill.  I didn't buy the album, didn't care to hear the album, and knew just from the looks of it that E's days with Polydor were numbered.

In listening to this record many years later only out of respect for the man who is now worldly recognized by the name Eels, it's easy to see that he'd amassed a backlog of songs prior to landing his deal, most of the good ones were used on his debut, and a lot of the weaker ones ended up on Broken Toy Shop.  Whereas most of the lyrical themes are fully-formed and brilliant on his debut, I am stunned by how half-baked this record sounds.  Titles such as "Manchester Girl" and "L.A. River", for example, sound like little more than songwriting exercises - someone who seems to be trying to write their way out of a dry spell rather than take a break.

Additionally, the hope and sly sense of humor so abundant on his debut is nowhere to be seen here.  E just seems depressed, lethargic, and perhaps shell-shocked to have gotten the chance to make another record because he also sees the writing on the wall.

The album would be released to little fanfare, sell poorly, and lead to E's exit from the label. So seemingly ends the career of "A Man Called E".

 Eels - Beautiful Freak

The year was 1996 and I was on the phone with an A&R guy at Geffen Records.  I'd been sending him my demos, trying to get him to give my career the boost it sorely needed, and all he could talk about was the fact that he'd missed out on signing some band called "Eels".  Despite losing the band to another label, the guy was genuinely excited about the upcoming release of the album.  Heck, so was I until he mentioned that the singer of the band had released two albums under the name "E".

"Aw, crap," I said to myself.

Weeks later, though, on my first trip to L.A. to meet with said A&R guy and do a couple showcases, I heard a song on radio powerhouse KROQ that blew my hair back.  The song was a heady mix of paranoia and disillusion wrapped up in a swirling cinematic musical cacophony that was one part Nirvana and one part campfire sing-along.  When the DJ said, "That's brand new from Eels, it's called 'Novacaine For The Soul'," I instantly executed an illegal U-turn and made a bee-line for the local Wherehouse Music.

As is par for the course, they had already sold out of all the copies they had ordered (four).  As I was asking when they'd have more copies in, I spotted an "in-store play" copy of the album sitting on the shelf behind the counter and pleaded with the clerk to sell it to me.  He eventually did and I would listen to nothing else for the next several weeks, if not months.

To fully understand how completely inspired this record is, you need only listen to Broken Toy Shop before popping in this record to see it for the completely rejuvenated tour de force that it is.  E isn't the first artist to almost completely reinvent himself, but no single artist has done so more convincingly than Mark Oliver Everett. 

In doing so, he created an album that still stands as one of the better offerings from the alt.rock explosion of the mid-90's.  It's great when viewed as merely a nice collection of fuzzed-up pop songs, or a musical hand grenade disguised as a harmless rag doll.  The musical and lyrical detail contained within paints a sometimes tragic, but always haunting portrait of the L.A. that exists beyond the glitz and glamor.  You can almost smell the smog, taste the salt in the ocean air, and feel the sense of utter hopelessness that lies outside "Susan's House".

I remember thinking "How in the world is E ever gonna top this?" 

 Eels - Electro-Shock Blues

It must be something to be the last one standing, the rest of your immediate family dead or dying.  Who the fuck do you call "in case of emergency" then?  Who do you confide in when you've had a bad day?  It seems from an early age, E has mostly confided in himself.  That a man so insular could make an album this jarringly confessional astounds me.  That his label let him put it out at all, much less exactly as he recorded it, astounds me even more.  That they did is a testament to the fact that, while the rest of the industry had begun a screaming nosedive that would take them right into the side of a mountain, there were still some old school executives that recognized the importance of such artistry despite commercial limitations.

I mean, there's very little here that's suitable for in-store play at the supermarket.  Still, I'd rather hear "Cancer For The Cure" at the local Ralphs than some horrible string of cliches like Melissa Etheridge's "I Run For Life".  Fuck, if I had a nickel for every time that song has soured my milk before I even got it home, but I digress...

The first time I played this album, I actually laughed out loud at the thought of the hundreds of thousand of fans around the world who'd dug "Beautiful Freak" all running to the record store to buy this new album, getting it home, and having their jaws hit the floor.  "What the FUCK is this?", you can hear them say midway thru "Elizabeth On The Bathroom Floor".  If any of them made it far enough into the album to hear "My Descent Into Madness" (the album's fourth cut and arguably the most accessible song to be found), I applaud them.

As a result of this album, E and his band took themselves out of the alt.rock running altogether and settled into a lengthy career as "cult band" and those of us who've stuck around are the better for it.  Those who jumped off here don't know what they're missin'.  Of course, they don't care either, ignorance being bliss and all.

Eels - Daisies Of The Galaxy

Having picked himself up, dusted himself off, and whatnot, E seems in much better spirits on this, the third Eels record.  Anyone who knows the amount of personal loss E has experienced is no doubt as amazed as I am that he found the way to do so.  Even more amazing is how fucking cheerful this record seems despite the actual lack of any cheerful songs. 

Hell, "Grace Kelly Blues" leaves me imagining a jaunty stroll down some tree-lined street, birds singing in the trees, not a care in the world despite lyrics that depict no such scene.

Of course, this is to say nothing of the understated masterpiece that is "It's A Motherfucker".  I remember seeing the title when I picked up the album and having to listen to this song first out of simple curiosity.  Little did I know I would end the song in tears.

"It's a motherfucker being here without you/Thinkin' about the good times, thinking about the bad."

That first line, like the rest of the song, is so brilliant in its simplicity.  Fuck the metaphors, E's understated, conversational asides hit home like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine factory.

The album itself is a stunning return to form after the major detour that was "Electro-Shock Blues".  Granted, it isn't "Beautiful Freak, Pt 2", but it is the template for what would come to be known as "the Eels sound" - alternately dark and lighthearted ruminations set to tinkly pianos and kiddie song melodies.  The band had experimented with such juxtaposition on their debut with "My Beloved Monster". 

No surprise that it would be used to great effect in the first "Shrek" movie, which, of course, was a Dreamworks film.  It only made sense to fill the soundtrack with artists from the Dreamworks label.  This act of convenient symmetry turned into a huge stroke of luck for the Eels and further "Shrek" sequels have each featured music by the Eels, no doubt padding E's bank account in the process.

Eels - Souljacker

The Eels' fourth album, Souljacker, is a hard album to get a bead on.  The album title, the photo of a bearded E looking more like the Unabomber than a rock star holding a poodle, and the album opener "Dog Faced Boy" all seem to pointing at something, but what?

After two albums that were by and large the creation of one man, E, to quote Matthew Sweet, must have gotten a little "sick of himself" and started a new collaboration with John Parish (PJ Harvey) that resulted in the adding of a few new colors to the Eels' musical palette.

Musically, the album seems a tad scattershot, as if E started out wanting to turn up the guitars and howl at the moon, but then realized that it made for a very one-dimensional listening experience.  He then throws in a song like "Woman Driving, Man Sleeping" because, well, you can't not throw in a track that good.  Of course, to quote The Fixx, "one thing leads to another" and, voila, songs like "Jungle Telegraph" and "Bus Stop Boxer" enter the fray.  The end result is half an album that appeals to fans of noisy, blown out punk stomps and half an album that seems to exist only to appease those fans alienated by the other half.


 Eels - Shootenanny
While Souljacker showed E's desire to resurrect "the rock" with then-accomplice John Parish, but, to my ears, the songs lacked definition despite fine execution.  On Shootenanny, though, E takes matters into his own hands once again and the result is yet another fine return to form.  Truth be told, "Saturday Morning" and "Dirty Girl" are two of the better barn-burners E has unleashed.

Still, the man is 110% in his element on low-key, atmospheric numbers like "Love of The Loveless" and "Rock Hard Times".

If we could change one thing about the record, we'd have E ditch the megaphone vocal sound that gets way too much use on this record.  Other than that, this is arguably E's most consistent record since his debut.  At the same time, there is something about this record that whispers "contractual obligation" loudly enough to be heard between songs.

 EELS - Blinking Lights & Other Revelations

As one of the most elaborate undertakings of his career, Blinking Lights... features two full CD's of material recorded over the better part of a seven-year period and features the largest amalgamation of guests to ever appear on an Eels record, among them Peter Buck, Tom Waits, and John Sebastian to name but a few.

While the spiritual part of me applauds the dedication and perseverance E has shown in creating such an intensely personal, yet artistically expansive project, the rest of me thinks a whole lot of time and effort could have been saved by whittling this down to a concise single album.  In doing so, it is this listener's opinion that whatever message E hoped to convey would have been driven home a lot more effectively. 

Now, if this were truly a collection of diary entries, half-baked song ideas, and "things that just didn't fit on past records", that would be one thing, but, to my understanding, E worked tirelessly for a period of three years after Shootenanny to make sure every single song was perfect.  This, of course, came at great personal expense, I am told, and there was some question whether the album would ever see proper release.

It did, of course, finally finding a home at indie Vagrant Records, which had previously deviated from their mall punk aesthetic to sign Paul Westerberg a year prior. 

The great thing about this album is that most everyone I've met who has the album agrees it would have made a better single album, yet we all have differing ideas about which songs would be contained on a single-album version.  It was this realization that made me think that that was precisely E's intent in releasing the album in the first place.  Just for shits and giggles, here is my track-listing and sequencing for a one-record version:

The Last Days of My Bitter Heart (edit out first minute)
If You See Natalie
Old Shit - New Shit
Trouble With Dreams
From Which I Came/A Magic World
The Other Shoe
To Lick Your Boots
Whatever Happened To Soy Bomb?
Hey Man (Now You're Really Living)
Losing Streak
Things The Grandchildren Should Know

 Eels - Hombre Lobo

With the release of his ninth studio album (counting his first two solo efforts), E has officially earned the tag "veteran recording artist".  Unfortunately, in most cases, by the time an artist reaches this point in their career, they suddenly begin sucking.  It has happened to too many great artists to mention, but I'll mention some anyway...Cheap Trick (their ninth album was The Doctor, which sucked), Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (ninth album: She's The One didn't totally suck, but it was a huge step down from their early 80's output), U2 (Pop was their ninth album...best known as the album where U2 scared off most of their audience).  I could go on, but you get the point.  For those who don't, most once-great artists totally lose the plot right around their ninth record because a) they've been millionaires for quite a while and, quite frankly, have learned to coast a bit, or b) are a million miles away, mentally speaking, from the hungry kid that wrote the songs that made them that first million.

Though his bank account has more zeroes than mine will ever see, E doesn't seem stricken by this malady.  In fact, he and his current band of co-conspirators have made an album that's flat-out one of the best of his career.  What truly sets this album apart from the rest of E's discography, though, is that you can tell he's having a ball making this record.  I can't listen to "Tremendous Dynamite" without joyfully laughing my ass off at the best Screaming Jay Hawkins impersonation I've heard in some time.

As a music geek, I tend to hold the greats to the high standards that they themselves set.  As a result, what I find myself doing as I digest a new album by a great artist is imagine if this album had been released in place of the one that put them on the map.  In the case of Tom Petty, for example, if I were to slide She's The One in place of Damn The Torpedoes, Petty and the boys would be looking for jobs in Gainesville by the end of '81. 

In the case of Eels, if we slide this album in the place of Beautiful Freak, while they are completely different albums from one another, you can totally see this album putting E on the map.

Sadly, at the time of this album's actual release, the industry is in such a sad state of affairs that an album like this will fall on mostly deaf ears in the US because radio can't be bothered to play it, MTV is too busy "glorifying the horrifying", and labels rely on game shows and TV karaoke contests for their latest batch of "stars".

Being well aware of the state of the industry, E could have simply chosen to take his money and go home, but nooooo, he assembles the most rock-solid Eels line-up ever and proceeds to thumb his nose at the world.  Seriously, it sounds like somebody hooked up a brand-new car battery to E's nipples and keyed the ignition.  Granted, the beards a little bit much by now - probably has more than a couple birds living in it, but fuck it, he's earned the right to look like a crazed auto mechanic with bodies buried out back.

 Eels - End Times

E's "divorce album" is an understated, introspective affair that could have been a real bummer of a record, but if there's anyone who can see the humor in things falling apart, it is E. 

If I can make a recommendation to anyone who hasn't yet discovered this record, buy yourself a great set of headphones - no, not a stupid-ass pair of ear buds - and a comfy motherfucker of a chair if you don't already have one.  Borrow some bud from a friend if you don't have some and just fucking lose yourself in this record.  Trying to "get" this record while fighting rush hour traffic or trying to multitask is just a waste of time, my friend.  To really get to know it, give this record your undivided attention and I promise that you will thank me for it.  Fuck that, thank E for it.

I hasten to even pick out particular songs that move me because cherry-picking is the last thing you should start doing with an album like this.  What listeners should do is buy the album, turn off the cell phones and the laptops, and allow themselves to let this album take you on its journey away from the frivolous crap that has invaded our lives so completely. Having said this, I hope to whet your appetite with a little "Gone Man".


Eels - Tomorrow Morning

When I was a kid, most bands put out two albums a year.  Let me tell you, those days were the fucking bomb, as opposed to the precedent that was set in the 90's where bands put out a new record every few years so their label could milk the absolute fuck out of it.  E no doubt remembers those halcyon days of the 70's the same as I do and must figure that since he really has no label second-guessing his every move, he can damn well put out two albums this year if he feels like it.

If you ask me, E has seemed a little restless since Shootenanny (as "I'm a Hummingbird" seems to indicate, with lines like "I'm a hummingbird, floating tree to tree/I'm a hummingbird, beautiful and free.")  I hate to use that tired shark metaphor, but it applies, so bear with me.  What keeps E alive and kicking is the fact that he never stops moving, or, in his case, creating.  The minute you start repeating yourself, though, that's not creating, that's repeating and it can be the death of you as an artist.  E knows this and it is what keeps him going, but every so often, he allows himself to make the sort of album that just comes naturally, effortlessly, and free of any forced agendas.

Take a song like "Spectacular Girl", which sounds very much like the stereotypical Eels song that we've come to know and love over the years.  While the song most certainly covers familiar terrain, it is the minor perfections that E has made it that ultimately refine it to the point of near-perfection.  To E, though, perfection is the proverbial carrot dangled just out of reach, never to be caught, but he (and we) have come to embrace the beauty that is often found in imperfection.

This is such an album. 

For fans both new and old, Tomorrow Morning is like catching up with an old friend you bump into unexpectedly and a five-minute chat turns into an entire afternoon on the front porch with no particular place to be.  The sun is just coming up as you drop the needle on "In Gratitude For This Magnificent Day" and, as the last strains of the jubilant "Mystery Of Life", the final vestiges of sunlight do their last dance upon the horizon before being chased down by darkness.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Limited Edition "Gonna Make 2011 My Bitch (Or Die Tryin')" T-Shirt

The great thing about the fact that it'll be 2011 in a little more than a week is that we each have a chance to undertake a new beginning, wipe the slate clean, and give it another go.  For those who intend on doing more than that, of course, we have created a limited-edition t-shirt perfect for those who wish to shout their new mission statement from the rooftops.

Don't just welcome the New Year, make it your bitch!

These shirts are available for only a short-time...end of business on December 27th, as a matter of fact, so bust a move.


ORDER NOW

GET $5 BACK: Email us a pic of you wearing the shirt during your New Year's Eve festivities and we'll send you five bucks!  We'll also post your photo on the site!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

R Gift 2 U: Cheap Trick/Sheperds Bush/12.11. 2010

While we American rock fans have a gazillion chances to see the eternally "on-tour-since-1974" Cheap Trick, whenever the mighty Trick take a trip to jolly England, it is cause for celebration amongst UK Trick fans.

Obviously, this is the first trip to the UK for the band since they parted ways with drummer Bun E. Carlos earlier this year (to be replaced by Rick Nielsen's son, Daxx), so Brit fans were no doubt wondering what to expect.  Based on these performances and a varied set list, which includes a nice smattering of tunes from just about all facets of the band's 30+ year career, what the UK Trick fans got was a helluva rock show.

Highlights from this show include a blistering one-two punch of "Speak Now" and "Stiff Competition", as well as a handful of tunes from their most recent record, "The Latest", and a two song Lennon tribute via "Magical Mystery Tour" and "Cold Turkey".

Enjoy!

Oh Candy
Speak Now
Stiff Competition
Best Friend
Lookout
Tonight It's You
I Want You To Want Me
I Know What I Want
These Days
Wrong All Along
Smile
Anytime
Magical Mystery Tour
Cold Turkey
Sick Man Of Europe
Closer
Surrender
Ain't That A Shame
Rock & Roll Tonight
Dream Police

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Need Forgiveness? Five Songs To Play Your Lady The Next Time You Mess Up

Let's face it, we men are built to piss women off one way or another.  The crazy part is that deep down they know they need us.  Otherwise the wedding they've been planning since the age of four will never happen, they'll never have kids, and that whole dream of an endless rut of soccer practices, minivans and spilled juice boxes will never happen.

Now, we men could just walk around with an air of superiority and wait for them to come to us (HA!), or we could learn the art of apologizing without really apologizing and actually get laid again.

Here's where things get a little tricky, though.  By nature, we men are horrible at apologizing.  It goes against everything we stand for.  We're hunters and gatherers, therefore, apologizing is seen as weakness.  As hunters, do we apologize to the fish we just yanked out of the river, or the juicy steak we just devoured?  Hell no!

Unfortunately, though it goes against our chemical make-up, the sooner we males of the species learn the fine art of saying "I'm sorry", the better our life will be in the long run.

Too bad most of our attempts to do so end up getting us in even more hot water.

Here's the solution...so pay close attention, bitches.

Don't actually apologize.  That's right, I said "don't apologize".

What I want you to do instead is play your lady one of these five songs.  It'll be up to you to choose which one based on what your lady likes and which one best lends itself to the situation at hand.

See, unless you've got a real oddball on your hands, chances are your lady likes music.  And like most women, she responds to lyrics that touch the heart and all that crap.

I guarantee you that by playing your lady one of these five songs the next time you do something really stupid, she will forgive you without you ever asking for it.  Trust me.

Alright, so here we go.

#1 Daniel Powter - Come Home

Yeah, this is the guy who had a HUGE hit with that song "Bad Day", which "American Idol" and every Top 40 radio station in the country beat into the motherfucking ground.  Chances are that even if you initially liked that tune, the massive amount of overkill it got has made you never want to hear another song by this guy as long as you may live.  Your lady, though she may nod her head and say she agrees with you, thinks otherwise.  Deep down, she probably still likes "Bad Day" and turns it up whenever she hears it in the car.

Play her this song the next time you piss her off and she decides to spend a week at her parents house.  Be warned, though, once she hears this song, she will come rushing back home to you so don't play it until you're absolutely ready for her to come back.  In other words, play it a day or so after you have the guys over for a night of poker and prostitutes.

#2 Eels - Little Bird

Okay, the use of this song requires a little bit of strategy.  Let's say you and your lady are going through some tough times and have decided to "take a little break".  It's been about two weeks or so and none of the gals you thought you had lined up have panned out so you start to miss her and want her back in your life.

What you need to do is send her an email with this song attached.  All you've got to do is put "Miss you, Sweetness" in the Subject line, and maybe a little note that says something like: "Been thinking about you".  The shorter, the better.  The more we men say, the more we stand the chance of putting our foot in our mouth.  That's why if you can do the "man of few words" thing, by all means, milk it for all it is worth.

This song, like a lot of E's work, is deceptively simple and heartfelt.  The delicate musical arrangement of the song will instantly appeal to her and the lyrics will slowly work their magic on her.  By the time E sings that first "God damn, I miss that girl", she'll be getting teary-eyed at the thought of you sitting night after night all alone, reading poetry and crying yourself to sleep.  She doesn't have to know that you've really been spending your nights at the strip club chasing after girls named Nikki and Mercedes.

#3 Brandi Carlile - The Story

This song's been out a few years, but it's still a stone-cold stunner of a tune.  It's best used on a lady who hasn't already heard the tune, but that's not to say it won't also be effective on a lady who has heard the tune before.  Heck, I've heard the song a gazillion times and that line where she suddenly goes from singing softly
to really belting it out right in the middle of the first verse just kills me every fucking time.  Fer crying out loud, I know it's coming and yet it pulls my beating heart right out of my chest, so imagine the effect it'll have on an unsuspecting listener.

I actually used this song to get me out of the doghouse the time I got super-drunk and started nuzzling this girl with huge fake tits right in front of my lady.  I get that way when someone else has been buying rounds of drinks all night and I've lost count of how many drinks I've had, so sue me.

Since my lady drove us there, and I was in no shape to get behind the wheel, I was left with no other choice than to ride home with her after she pulled me out of the joint.  Once in the car, I knew apologizing was futile.  After all, she'd caught me with my hand in the cookie jar.  After a few minutes of absolute silence, I yanked out the Brandi Carlile CD and put this song on.

Within seconds, I could feel the air go out of my girlfriend's angry sails.  By the end of the song, I see a teardrop run down my girl's cheek.  I think "uh-oh", but then she asks me in a soft voice, "Who the hell is that?"  I know that voice and know she reserves it for when she is just too blown away for words.

Then she tells me to play the song again.

An hour later, we parked the car on this scenic overlook not far from our apartment that gave us a postcard view of Hollywood at night and, well, to say that we made up would be putting it mildly.

#4 Natasha Bedingfield - Try

I'm not a huge fan of Bedingfield, but this isn't about me, or you, for that matter.  When I listen to this song from Bedingfield's new album, Strip, I just can't imagine a woman not being moved by the sentiment of this song.  There's nothing new here, no lyrical revelation, or earth-shattering melody, but Bedingfield just absolutely sings the fuck out of this tune.

And let's face it, playing your lady a song that ends with a lyric like "Don't throw us away just because we're broken/Cuz anything can mend" is gonna hit the mark, no two ways about it.  Hell, part of me looks forward to the next time I fuck up with my girl just so I can play this song for her.  Maybe I'll throw a pair of red panties into the washing machine with her whites tonight...

#5 Gary Allan - Alright Guy

On more than one occasion, I have had a woman so mad at me that she can't see straight and, yet, right smack dab in the middle of a real shitstorm I have somehow managed to make her laugh.  To be honest, given the situation, I had nothing to lose.  Reaching that point is actually kind of liberating.  You know that apologizing ain't gonna save you at this point so, what the hell, may as well inject a little humor into a no-win situation and see what happens.

In other words, when all else fails, try a little humor.

This ditty, a cover of a Todd Snider song that surpasses the original in my opinion, is bound to crack your lady up and, in doing so, shed a little light on the troubles we men have "being men".  We can't help ourselves, we're built to mess up.  This song isn't just funny, it's educational and my gut tells me it'll work like a charm for you if you are blessed to be with a lady with any sense of humor to speak of at all.

Joe Motherfucking Strummer Eight Years Gone

Seriously, while eight years is a long time, we gotta say that it feels like Joe's been gone longer. Maybe it's because the days seem to drag without his stunning truth and conviction shining like a beacon on an otherwise bleak musical and philosophical landscape.

We happened upon a really cool interview with Joe that was filmed not too long before he passed away and it just ripped the scab right off the wound being reminded just how down-to-earth this cat was, but, at the same time, it filled us with great joy at remembering that guys like this actually existed once.  The dude had heart, no matter what he did. 

Today more than ever, the sentiment behind this tune is now more prescient than ever:
MP3: Joe Strummer - The Harder They Come

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Merry Christmas Will Do (Acoustic)



Bless the kind soul who posted this clip on YouTube!  Jim's lyrical mishap (!) ends it all too soon, of course, but does not take away from the sentiment.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

OK Go's Damian Kulash On The Future Of The Music Biz

"My band parted ways with the record label EMI a little less than a year ago. While we were profitable for them, our margins were smaller than those of more traditionally successful bands, because our YouTube views don't directly generate as much revenue as record sales. Our idea of what constitutes success and how to wring income out of it eventually wound up too far apart from EMI's."
An excerpt from OK Go singer Damian Kulash's recent column for the Wall Street Journal on the current state of the music biz and how up-and-coming bands can make a living in the ever-changing landscape that is "the music industry".

Read the rest of the article HERE.

My personal opinion is that Kulash is one of the more delusional self-appointed champions of indie rock. The only reason 9 out of 10 people care about OK Go is because of the credibility and promotion afforded them via their alliance with EMI Records. Let's face it, if not for the viral success of the video for the song "Here It Goes Again" (aka "the treadmill video"), the band would have been dropped after their second album, "Oh No".

Both the band and the label believed, incorrectly I must add, that the millions of YouTube views of the video would one day translate into sales for the band. If they didn't translate into sales for the song, however, it should have been plain to everyone that such a thing was never going to happen. Regardless, the band's profile was raised enough by the success of the video that EMI willingly financed a third album and the band - like any other band not knowing where their next dollar was coming from would do - played along.

In January of this year, the band's third album for the label, "Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky", was released. It was immediately clear to both EMI and the band that this album was not generating the interest necessary for the relationship to continue. EMI signed over rights to the album masters, allowing the band to re-release it on their own label in April.

Since then, they have continued filming kitschy conceptual videos on the dime of corporate sponsors such as Samsung and State Farm Insurance, speaking out about the "future of music", and holding a parade in their own honor in Los Angeles (sponsored by Range Rover). None of this would be possible, or viable to such sponsors, if not for the band's status as a result of their tenure at EMI.

While it is feasible that the band could have filmed "the treadmill video" on their own dime, it was their connection to EMI that lent them the necessary credibility as a "major label recording artist" to then land spots on high-profile tours with the likes of Snow Patrol. While it is reasonably safe to say that the genius of said video would have made it a viral success with or without EMI, the public perception of the band was heightened by their connection to EMI. Without it, they'd have been merely the rock & roll equivalent of a Tay Zonday ("Chocolate Rain").

Of course, seeing Kulash methodically position himself as some expert on "making it in the music biz without a major label" is laughable, as every check his band continues to receive comes as a direct result of them milking their past association with a major label for all it is worth. They've long ago proven that music is secondary in the "OK Go experience", as one can watch any of the band's videos with the sound off and derive the same amount of pleasure.

In truth, as "The Blue Man Group Of Rock & Roll", OK Go's genius lies in their realization that being in a band these days has little to do with music. Devise one visually stunning video or event after another, keep your name in the press, and you can continue to find corporations willing to pay you for appropriating whatever hipster cache they believe you might have.

It's "The Great Rock & Roll Swindle" all over again, albeit this time minus the music.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

I'm A Loser: 30 Years Later

Unless you've been hiding under a rock all week, you are well aware that today marks the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death.  It does seem that the roundness of this particular anniversary has really upped the ante as far as Lennon coverage goes.  I'd go so far as to say that I've seen at least half a dozen different TV specials detailing Lennon's last few hours, days, months, etc., and, though I know all too well how the story ends, the child inside of me who still recalls Howard Cosell's shaken announcement of Lennon's death during that night's Monday Night Football game as if it were yesterday can't help but hope for a different, better ending.

I can't help but feel Lennon's death is partly my fault.  See, he was my Beatle, the one I always identified with from the moment I saw him pop his head out of his bed-in-the-floor in the movie "Help!".  See, bad things always seem to happen to those I adore.  No sports team I've ever rooted for has won it all, in all my years on this planet.  The minute I start liking a band, they either break up, get dropped by their label, or see their sales plummet.  The more I like them, the more doomed they become.  In Lennon's case, I loved the guy and, as a result, here we are adding yet another year to the anniversary of his death.

I honestly can't believe that it has been thirty years.  You'd think that much time would lessen the pain, but every damn year, like clockwork, along comes December 8th and my day is ruined before it can even begin.  Oddly, my own father passed away a mere seven years ago and the anniversary of his passing is sad, sure, but my head is filled with fond recollections and I find myself smiling more so than feeling sad.  I mean, I'm sad - always will be - but I smile when I think about him.  By contrast, December 8th is a day filled with thoughts of how senseless his murder was and all that could have been if only Mama Chapman had just had a fucking abortion.

Wherever you are, John, I am merely one among millions who miss you because you changed the direction of my life and gave me a sense of joy I would not have experienced otherwise.  To have been able to do that to more than one generation is a hell of an accomplishment, you know that, right?  The world is a lesser place without you.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Fuck FX: Terriers Gets Shitcanned!

Having just heard the news that FX has officially canceled "Terriers", the great new show about a couple of ne'er-do-well unlicensed detectives that features the always dependable Donal Logue ("The Tao Of Steve", "Grounded For Life") and Michael Raymond-James, my mind is currently awash with a flurry of questions.

Did FX promote the show effectively?

Judging from the fact that I've seen maybe three commercials for the show at most, my hunch is that FX dropped the ball in promoting this show.  This, of course, leads me to the obvious "question within a question": Why air a show that you aren't completely behind and intent on promoting effectively?  I mean, it only makes sense to do so, right?  That way, if the ratings fail to materialize, FX can rest assured that they did all they could.


Did FX give the show enough time to build an audience?

Whenever a show gets canned after a single season, fans of said show always seem to reference "Cheers" as the textbook case of a great show that almost got canceled, but, for some inexplicable reason, the network stuck with it and the show not only found its audience, but went on to become a huge success - an institution, if you will.

Mind you, not every show that gets canceled is a "Cheers" in the making, but, for fuck's sake, the world could use a little something to cleanse the palette in the wake of shit shows like "According To Jim" polluting the airwaves for eight shitty seasons, to say nothing of the fact that shitty reruns will live on forever in syndication.

So, nope, FX did not give "Terriers" time to find its audience.

Is a show like "Terriers" simply too sophisticated and subtle to ever appeal to a mass audience?

Okay, let's face it, "Terriers" was not exactly Wim Wenders, but it was a well-written show full of flawed, but likable characters and a plot line that did not wrap up neatly at the end of every episode, but, rather, built slowly but brilliantly to a fulfilling crescendo in the season finale.  To expect a nation of nitwits giddy at the mere thought of Bristol Palin or Kate Gosselin dancing to dig a show with some subtlety to it, well, I guess that was my mistake.  So, to answer the question...YES.

Was FX the right network for this show in the first place?

Ah, good question.  I will admit that when I first heard about this show, I was pretty stoked.  But when I heard it was on the FX network, I was a little perplexed.  It seemed an odd fit, to say the least...like a really cool rock band signing to Arista Records, or something.  Let's face it, this show would have fit amazingly well on a network like AMC or the USA Network, alongside show like "Burn Notice", "Men Of A Certain Age", or "Psych".

Such shows have been allowed to exist beyond the first season and, as a result, they've all slowly, steadily built a respectable audience.

Quite frankly, while I never missed an episode of "Terriers", I never felt good about having to tune into FX (a subsidiary of the ever-crappy Fox Network) in order to do so.  It would be nice to tune into "Terriers" and not feel like I had to shower afterward.  So, hey AMC or USA...if you're listening...give "Terriers" a chance, will ya?

Your pal,
Darren